


Three Stripes Mark the Squat

by Makigaki



Series: Slavs Being Slavs [1]
Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Crack, Humor, M/M, Russian swearing, Slavs being Slavs, fluff???
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-15
Updated: 2019-06-15
Packaged: 2020-04-23 06:16:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 945
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19145233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Makigaki/pseuds/Makigaki
Summary: Vladislav is only friendly neighborhood gopnik who wants to make sure Yuuri is right for Viktor, da?Read in your best Russian accent, aloud or in your head.





	Three Stripes Mark the Squat

**Author's Note:**

> i hope i did alright, i haven't finished yoi or even watched any of it probably since 2017
> 
> still had fun tho

"Viktor, how can I possibly approve of him if he does not practice gopnik way?"

 "...You aren't going to let it go, huh?"

"Ahh, that's the spirit! Now, me and every babushka on street have many question about your boy."

 

Viktor raises an eyebrow.

 

"I suppose saying he's perfect for me every way is not going to make you leave?"

"Oh, you know me too well! Okay, first—what makes you sure he is not Western spy?"

 

Viktor's eyebrow travels farther up, this time with slight shock. 

Vladislav gets the message and coughs into his fist.

 

_Well, at least he doesn't know Yuuri's old coach is Italian-American._

 

"What alcohol does he drink?"

 

Viktor knows that 'champagne' is the wrong answer and will get Yuuri eaten alive.

 

"He is a professional figure skater, Vlad. Alcohol cannot be allowed in his diet."

Vladislav still looks visibly put off by the answer, but he concedes, "Okay, okay, not Western spy, just professional figure skater."

 

Viktor sighs in relief. Crisis averted.

 

"Oh, I know! If he is true gopnik, he eats sweetened condensed milk for dessert!"

"...Vlad, even _I_ don't eat that for dessert."

"That is right, you are rich cyka, all the caviar you could want, hahh?"

"I am not enjoying of fish eggs."

"Perhaps better question is this: what _does_ he eat for dessert?"

"Again, professional figure skater, strict diet."

"Ahh, blyat! Foiled again!"

 

Viktor puts a hand on his forehead in tired exasperation.

 

"Look, Vlad, why don't you ask _him_  questions, da? He is moving in next week."

"Oh, davai! I will see if he has true slav soul, face-to-face!"

"Goodnight, Vlad."

"And I will see for self if he cyka or not!"

" _Goodnight_ , Vladislav."

"Oh, goodnight, Viktor!"

 

* * *

 

"Viktor, is he..."

"Eating mayonnaise straight from the jar? Da, he is."

"Who _is_ he?"

"Friendly neighborhood gopnik Vladislav—his words, not mine. He is... old friend. _Old_ , old."

 

Yuuri doesn't need to know of Viktor's gopnik phase. Ever.

 

"...Alright, then."

"Uhh, Yuuri, once he's done with his mayonnaise, he is probably going to give you his version of the... spade speech?

"Shovel talk, you mean?"

"Da, that one!"

 

"...." 

 

"...Yuuri?"

 

"...what inhuman speed... how does one even... it's, there's, there's just.  _so. much_. _mayonnaise_...." 

 

Vladislav looks up from his meal, honing in on Yuuri.

 

"I see you are in awe of gopnik way. You have much to learn before I can allow you to marry Viktor."

 

Yuuri doesn't respond, eyes wide most definitely out of horror. It is not everyday a Japanese man gets to see a gopnik in his natural habitat with a luxurious meal.

Vladislav gets up from his squatting position outside Viktor's apartment, stalking towards Yuuri, mayonnaise jar in hand.

 

"So, Yuuri, I have many question for you. First about _real_ vodka, not whatever bootleg is common in your area. Do you like?"

 

Viktor is too embarrassed to help Yuuri out.

 

Yuuri takes the whole situation very well and responds with as much grace as possible, eyes still wide, "International shipping is a nightmare in Japan. Authentic vodka is too expensive."

 

Vladislav grunts.

 

"'International shipping is a nightmare'... that  _reeks_ of capitalism..."

 

 _Chert voz'mi!_ _This is going_ very _poorly._

 

"...but being cheap is understandable. Viktor, your boy has two good alcohol excuses."

 

 _Oh, thank blin_. 

 

"Next one. Pickles, are they good?"

"Umm... yeah. I guess."

" _'I guess'._ Viktor, your boy is getting docked half point for guessing!"

 

Viktor is, again, simply too embarrassed to do anything, and Yuuri soon realizes they'll never get anywhere.

 

"Uh, Vlad, was it? Me and Viktor should really be going. Boxes to unpack, uh, and things."

"Alright, alright, I not keep you. But, I have one more thing, and it is test. Squat. Not like exercise, just everyday squat."

 

_Oh, no. I haven't warned Yuuri about slav squatting! I have to do something!_

 

"V-vlad, is this necessary?"

 

Vladislav glares at him.

 

"Viktor, are you suggesting that your boy will not pass even simple test? What am I supposed to tell the babushkas? Oh, Viktor, you will break their hearts!"

"Wha- The babushkas aren't part of some obscure gopnik group, Vlad!"

"You are right, Viktor, they are the matriarchs of gopniks everywhere!"

" _Pizde-_ "

"If I squat, can we go?"

 

Vladislav turns his attention back to Yuuri, assessing him for any 'Western spy' tics.

 

"If you pass." 

 

Yuuri squats.

Vladislav's eyes are wide in amazement.

 

"...Wow. Viktor, your boy must have godly Slavic balance to have his knees so close and not fall over. And he naturally went for squat with flat feet. Viktor, your boy _is_ perfect!"

 

Viktor realizes that his previous panic was silly. Yuuri is squatting the way he always has—the way Viktor has seen every Japanese person squat. His feet are flat on the ground and close together in what Yuuri had once told him Americans called an 'Asian squat'. He sighs in relief.

Yuuri is just confused.

Vladislav squats down in front of Yuuri and touches his shoulder.

 

"You, my friend, have my permission to marry Viktor, now. Good luck, fellow gopnik. Try to get Viktor back to old ways, da? I'm afraid he has converted to functioning member of society."

 

Viktor grunts in indignation.

Yuuri and Vladislav stand up, and Vladislav pats Yuuri's shoulder before walking off undoubtedly to a party with vodka and hardbass.

Viktor and Yuuri are silent for a while.

 

"...Viktor, converted to functioning member of society? Were you-"

 

Viktor's cheeks and ears burn in embarrassment.

 

"Oh, shut up."

 

Yuuri smiles, giggles threatening to burst out through the twitching of his lips.

He frowns.

 

"...Wait, does he think I'm _not_ a functioning member of society?"

 

Viktor giggles outright.

 

"Oh, just shut up."

 

**Author's Note:**

> someone please draw teenage gopnik viktor eating semechki while slav squatting on the sidewalk during the winter complete with an ushanka and adidas bag, i have a need
> 
>  
> 
> also, i realize the " _Pizde-_ " can be taken two different ways, so i'll clarify: viktor gets cut off when saying "pizdet‘"
> 
>    
> squat note: the slav squat and asian squat are nearly the same, though people of eastern asian descent can generally manage to squat with their feet close together, if not touching. It's actually genetic, something about one of their ligaments (or something of the sort, it's in the legs) being more flexible (or was it elongated? hmm...). however, squatting with your feet close together requires a lot of balance and you're easily knocked over, so just squat a normal asian or slav squat


End file.
